Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I accidentally burped into my bong.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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