So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
