dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
