I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
