bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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