As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
