Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
