the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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