Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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