I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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