God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Randomize
