First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Randomize
