Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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