I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
