We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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