I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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