I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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