If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
