i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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