some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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