the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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