Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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