I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Randomize