I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
