the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
third nipple confirmed
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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