Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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