so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
