where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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