I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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