Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
