So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
