I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
