I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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