I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
