I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
