How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize