My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
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