My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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