if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
