it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize