toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
