Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
