An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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