so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
