My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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