i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
