I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Define "chronic" masturbator.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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