i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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