just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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