Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
