I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
