I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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