My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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