Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
