saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
