She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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