Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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