I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
