We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
