thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
