i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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