I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
