In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize