I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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