dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
