You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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