Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
