Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
