hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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