She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
