how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
