Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It's shark week go big or go home
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
