True but thats because hes a fetus.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
